Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Grumpy Old Cow

I have been a right grumpy old cow today.  Lack of sleep has caught up with me.  Firstly I have had two nights were Charlie has been up every 20 minutes between 12 and 3,30am.  He drives me insane.  He gets out of bed trots to my room and expects to get into my bed.  Yeah right! Absolutely no chance. I calmly say "No Charlie back to bed."  To which he stamps his foot, folds his arms and replies "No".  Taking his hand I take him back to his bed, tuck him back up with Charley Bear and go back to my bed.  Just as I am nodding back off to sleep.  He gets up again, and again, and again.  By about 3am I am starting to lose my rag with him.  It would be so easy to just give in and let him get in my bed but I will not.

I went through this whole battle over a year ago when he did this every night for over two months.  He got the message that time and he will get it again this time.  Hopefully, it won't take as long this time but if it does, I survived last time and, I will again. I don't want him in my bed. I won't allow him in my bed.  End of!

Last night was Faye's turn.  She was awake until almost 11.30pm.  I have no idea why and looks like we could be heading the same way tonight.  She has been in bed as normal since 8pm, it's now 9.30, and I can hear her coughing and spluttering and doing everything to get my attention. We have just had the I feel sick and I've got a tummy ache lines.  She has just been told off so we'll see how long it is before she's goes to sleep. 

I JUST WANT SOME SLEEP!!!!!!

The worst part is that once I have been woken up some random thought will pop into my head and that will be it I am awake for hours thinking of stuff, immaterial stuff that doesn't need thinking about at 3.30am.  What we are having for tea for the next day does not matter at that time of the morning, but actually yes it does because then I realise that I have forgotten to take anything out of the freezer and so the cycle continues on and on and on. 

I laid there for over an hour last night arguing with myself over going to sleep. So much so that in an attempt to clear my mind I made myself a drink and proceeded to write my diary for over half an hour before turning the light off and trying to go back to sleep.  Half an hour later I am still wide awake and starting to get seriously annoyed. I put the light back on and read my book for a further half hour before finally about 4am nodding back off.  All to soon the flamming alarm clock was going off and I dragged myself out of bed not knowing what time it was.  I made a really strong coffee before having to deal with two really grumpy kids.

I think tonight I may have a very large drink or two or three before bed and it may just knock me out. I won't remember anything till morning, hopefully.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Have you got any teeth left?

It was the six monthly trip to the dentist today.  My stomach has been in knots all day.  I hate visiting the dentist.  Faye on the other hand was so excited this morning.  She really couldn't wait.  As soon as we walked in the room she was first in the chair with a big grin in her face.  The dentist could have said he was going to pull all her teeth out and I think she would have just continued to sit there grinning.

Charlie on the other hand was not quite so brave.  When it was his turn he gripped onto me like a little monkey and point blank refused to sit in the chair.  No amount of bribery was going to coax him.  He had decided he wasn't siting in the chair and that was the end of the matter  We did manage to allow the dentist to have a little look whilst Charlie clung to my neck for dear life.

Then it was my turn.  I wanted to refuse to sit in the chair as well.  I don't even get a sticker for being brave.  Still I was very brave and luckily soon  had the all clear.  Just a clean and a polish.  So while the dentist set about cleaning my teeth with the awful grinding tool, the kids sat in the little chair opposite. All I could hear was the occasional little giggle off Faye.  A few minutes later I was good to go.

As I sat up and rinsed my mouth Charlie looked at me quite concerned, and said "Have you still got some teeth left mummy?" Trust Charlie to have everyone in stitches.  The dentist was almost crying with laughter.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Finance headaches

It's been a while since my last post but at the minute I have been so busy and so much is going on that there really aren't enough hours in the day.  Tonight with the kids at their dads I'm back on it.

The best news this week is week I have become an Auntie.  My little sister has given birth to a gorgeous little boy 'Alex'.  He is amazing and I am smitten.  Although that old sibling rivalry slightly re-appeared when I noted how she was sat up in bed still looking fabulous after her ordeal, I look at the photo's of me after having my kids and I look like horrific.  It's just not fair!

I have taken matters into my own hands with regards the divorce.  I made a decision that I am not going to mediation.  After 2 years I can see no point in paying out more money to solicitors when I know ultimately it will not get us anywhere.  There is only one matter to sort and that is the house.  I know what he wants is money and therefore my plan is to make him an offer and let him take it or leave it.  It's my rules this time.  I am sick and tired of it all.

I have had the house valued and seen a financial adviser who has taken all my details away and is going to let me know, in due course, what I can and cannot afford to do.  My aim is to take over the mortgage hopefully adding a bit extra to pay him off.  No way is he getting a 50 / 50 split.  I have paid the mortgage and all other household costs for the last 2 years. I was self-sufficient and living alone when we met and he walked into my furnished home with next to nothing and that is the way he can leave.

If it comes back that cannot take over the mortgage on my income. Well, I'm very sorry Mr Ex, but there is no way me and the kids will be moving out.  He will have to wait until I am a position to either sell up and move on.  Or I am in a position to start working more hours, which at the moment isn't going to happen.  Charlie is not due to start school until September 2014 and I can't see the Ex wanting to help with  any childcare costs.  

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

More Epic Tantrums!

Charlie has been having some epic tantrums just lately.  Take this morning, we walked Faye to school, which is only a 5 minute walk.  He ran all the way there, ran around the playground with all the big kids and then, when it was time to walk home, he decided that he didn't want to walk anymore. 
"Pick me up mummy," he asked.  There is no way on this earth that I could carry him all the way home.  He's just too heavy. There I am holding a screaming child by the hand, all the while he's screaming "owch, owch, mummy my leg, my leg, owch, owch"  He proceeds to limp and hold his leg as if in dire pain. 

Everyone is staring and you can see what's going through peoples minds.  "What is that mad mother doing to her poor child" Now, there is nothing at all wrong with the him.  There is nothing wrong with his leg, it's just a new ploy that he has learnt.  I manage to eventually get him home and with just 5 steps to the front door the screaming stops, he wipes his snot on his coat sleeve and says "I've stopped crying now.  Can I have sweeties when we get in?"  Not a chance!

We get in the house and he asks the question again.  Receiving the same answer he proceeds to fling himself in the floor, bang his head on the door and scream as loud as he can.  I meanwhile escape to the kitchen, turn on the radio and ignore him.  When he realises that his attempts are failing, he tries again.  "Mummy, I'm sorry mummy.  I'll be a good boy now."
"OK" I say not looking at him
"Can I have some sweeties please."
"Nope" and he kicks off again.

This went on for over an hour.   He eventually got the message and the tantrum eventually came to an end and he didn't get any sweeties. 

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Pushing the Boundaries.

At my writing course the other night we were discussing characters and the various labels, that get unwittingly, attached to family members.  I thought about the label that I have within my family, especially whilst growing up. I was 'The rebel!'

My sister (Sorry K) was little Miss perfect.  She never did anything wrong.  She used to snitch on me a fair bit and get me into trouble all of the time, but she never caused the trouble. She never stayed out late, unlike me.  She never got drunk, unlike me. It didn't help that we had to share a bedroom.  We hated each other.  Her and her boyfriend would sit and whisper to each other and stare at me.  I would just turn my music on full blast and make as much noise as possible, not caring if they were watching TV.  It was my room.  I was the oldest.  I know you both hated me as much as I hated you. 

 My brother was the chilled out one, he still is.  Nothing bothers him.  He's also the lucky one.  I was the one that lost a fiver and he would be the one that found it.  He's 6 years younger than me, the baby of the family.

I just liked to push the boundaries.  I still do.  That's who I am.  Although I have calmed down a lot. As a teenager if I was told to be in at 9.  I would come in at 9.30.  Just because!   I would cut my nose off to spite my face just because I wouldn't do something that I had been told. 

I can imagine the headaches I must have given my parents.  Smoking, drinking, boyfriends, the list goes on.  I have never got myself into any serious trouble.  Just numerous scrapes.  I've never done drugs.  I've always worked, earned my own money and owe nothing to anyone.  My first job was as a breakfast waitress at a large city centre hotel.  I would get the 5.30 am bus into work and start at 6.30am.  I even managed to make it in on time when I had been out drinking until the early hours of the morning and managed my shift on 2 hours sleep, feeling bright eyes and bushy tailed.  I could take the pace back in those days.  There would be no way I could do that now.

I guess I have just grown up and can see the error of my ways now.  I wasn't that bad, was I? yeah, probably!  K is still with her boyfriend.  There relationship has stood the test of time and I am so glad that they are are my best buddies now.  As is my little bro and his girlfriend.  I am still a rebel though, I won't be told what to do and I do get myself in all kinds of scrapes.  It certainly makes life interesting. 



Thursday, 3 May 2012

I am currently reading, "Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier" Wow.  If I could write a mere fraction like that, I would be happy.  I came across one line and it has really kept me thinking all night. 

"It seemed to me, as I sat there in bed, staring at the wall, at the sunlight coming in at the window, at Maxim's empty bed, that there was nothing quite so shaming, so degrading as a marriage that had failed. "

Applying this to my own failed marriage.  Firstly I did lay there many a night, all through the night, staring at the walls and going over things.  Seeing the light start to break into the darkness. Feeling the empty space next to me.

Has the failure of it left me feeling degraded and shamed?  In a round about way, yes I think, it has.  When I said my marriage vows I meant every word I said.  I got married for life, not for what turned out to be a pathetic four years. Yet they have been thrown back in my face without a second glance.  It all came so out of the blue.  A simple night out and three weeks later he left.  I still don't know the real reason why.  I only have my assumptions.  When questioned his response has always been, "you know why!" Well actually, no I don't. I don't suppose I ever will.

To meet new people and to have to explain the situation is hard.  I have obviously spent a lot of time over the past two years thinking over things, analysing events and situations.  What could or could not have been done differently.  I now know with 100% certainty that we should never have got married. Things sometimes get swept out of control and before we know it, we find ourselves in places that we shouldn't be.

Then I wonder is it the marriage ending that is shameful and degrading? or is his actions since? Possibly a combination of both. OK, I accepted the marriage was over a long time ago. The way he left.  The lies that have been told.  The facts that have been twisted. We have both moved on in our own ways.  So why the need to constantly stick the boot in.  Why not just sign the divorce papers?  Why not just agree to certain aspects without all the aggravation?  Why try to put obstacles in my path every step of the way?

One things for certain I cannot wait for this chapter in my life to be over. 









Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Spagetti Messes!

What a state to get in! I'd left Charlie eating his tea for two seconds while I nipped upstairs and this was what I returned to. He was covered.  It was in his hair, up in nose, I even found some in his ears! Luckily I have wood flooring.  He was stripped off, the clothes went straight in the washer and he was scrubbed in the kitchen sink. 

I then had to spend the next hour scraping up bits of spaghetti, moping floors and cleaning up after him.  All the while he's running around the living room in his pants causing as much chaos as he can,
He has been such a naughty boy these past few days.  He flooded the bathroom yesterday.  He just decided that he was going to bail out the water over the side of the bath.  There was Faye sat trying to clear it up with a flannel, bless her.  "Stop it Charlie" she was shouting, "mummy is going to be really really cross." That was an under statement.  He was out that bath like a flash and he got the telling off of his life.  Does he seem to care.  Not a bit. 
He just pouts at me and says "I don't love you cos you tell me off. I'm going to live with my nanna!" That's OK Charlie, I'll pack your bags for you and send you on your way.

I don't mean it really.  He's just like a Jekyll and Hyde character.  When he is good he is amazing. When he's naughty he's awful.  He always comes into my bed in a morning for a little snuggle and it's the nicest way to start the day.  He puts in arm around me, kisses me and says "I love you mummy." that's the best part of being a mum.  Then Faye climbs in the other side and within seconds World War 3 breaks out. I usually lay there, mentally working out, how many hours it is until it's bedtime.